Of Burnt Bridges and Forgiveness

At 45 years old, I have had my fair share of burnt bridges. I have also matured enough emotionally to swallow my pride, seek forgiveness for my actions, and realize that the world does not revolve around me.

One of the things that I have become more conscious about is my interaction with the people around me.

I want to make sure that I do not continue this trend of burnt bridges and lost chances of asking for forgiveness.

It is a struggle to maintain humility and acceptance of my shortcomings. It is also a constant reminder that I am not perfect and I will never be but I can work towards making a better version of myself every day.

I am still a work in progress.

Why This Topic About Burnt Bridges and Forgiveness?

This idea struck me while I was driving my son to school. Before leaving the house, he threw his pop-it toy outside which prompted his mom to scold him loudly.

I wanted to say something but in the interest of working with his mom as a team mate in disciplining him, I didn’t.

She continued to berate him and reminded him that he was becoming hardheaded.

I took the pop-it toy and deposited it in the sink for cleaning once I get back.

Lyle then went into the car and got strapped into his car seat.

A few seconds later, his mom came out and bid him goodbye. This time with a different demeanor. A nicer one.

And he responded lovingly with “Bye mommy!” at the top of his lungs like he always does when he goes off excitedly to school.

These are very normal, even mundane, circumstances to the eyes of outsiders. And yet it shows the relationship dynamics of a mother and son and how quickly fear of being punished can be erased with loving and nice words of encouragement.

Because what if the scolding was their last interaction?

Wouldn’t that be a sad thing?

If it was, it’d be truly devastating to whomever is left behind.

I have such instances where I wish I could turn back time and mend past relationships.

Two examples come to mind: I missed my chance to ask for my mom’s forgiveness and I lost my grandfather without attempting to fix our relationship.

I Missed My Chance to Ask for My Mom’s Forgiveness

I lost my mom when I was 18. And it wasn’t an abrupt loss. She, accompanied by my dad and sister, was undergoing treatment for 8 months in Manila while I stayed home in Tacloban to take care of the business.

I had to grow up fast in those few months. I also found out who my real friends were during those months. Those are the friends I continue to actively keep in touch with because in a sense they became my family borne out of those trying times.

The night before my mom left, she and my dad decided to sleep in the living room because she felt it was more comfortable there.

At 18 years old, I was too old to be climbing in bed with them, but I did. I slept in between her and my dad. I just wanted to be physically close to her.

I wanted desperately to seek forgiveness for having disappointed her several times. First, for not getting into Philippine Science High School, second for leaving Sacred Heart Seminary, and for getting into a lot of unnecessary fistfights.

At 18, I still couldn’t form the words that I wanted to say to her at that time. I still can’t. There are just so many things that I want to say to her. Things I can only say to her when she visits my dreams.

Every time she pops in for a visit, I always talk about Lyle. And she sits patiently, quietly, listening to every word. And a few seconds before my alarm goes off, she always just gives me a signal with her eyes that she’s leaving.

She never says a word.

She just smiles at Lyle.

Burnt Bridges and the Loss of a Grandfather

For the most part, I have strong, special memories of my grandfather. He was a strong male figure early on in my life.

I didn’t lack for strong male figures in my life because I also had my father and my uncles who helped guide me to where I am now but my lolo was different.

He was a stern disciplinarian. Some say he mellowed out when it came to dealing with his grandkids so I can only imagine how strict he was during his younger years.

Everyone respected him. Whether that respect came out of love, blind loyalty or hatred for the man is anyone’s guess. A lot of people loved him. And a lot of people hated him.

In 2010, I visited him with the intent to finally stay in Siocon and live my life as a farmer. It was all I really wanted. It still is. The life of a farmer, that is.

But our relationship dynamics changed. I was no longer the young child who only wanted to please his grandfather.

Needless to say, after a month, we came to a point where our relationship could no longer be fixed.

And like a spoiled child, I left in a huff.

I just told him I’d bought a ticket to go back home and left that afternoon without even a proper goodbye.

A few years later, he died.

And we were unable to resolve our personal issues. At the very least, I could have swallowed my pride and asked for forgiveness, but I didn’t.

In fact, I ignored his calls.

An action I regret to this day.

No amount of tears will bring him back.

And I so desperately just want to say “I’m sorry lolo, I love you, and thank you for everything”.  

Is it a Realistic Endeavor to Restore Burnt Bridges and Ask for Forgiveness Now?

Sadly, in my case, I would say no. There are far too many people to whom I owe an apology to. Case in point, those who trusted in me when I was still working as a networker.

I lost two very special friends to my misguided decisions. Although I’ve managed to talk to them both, our relationship can never be the same again. Innocence lost that can never be regained.

Reaching out to past girlfriends and asking for forgiveness might also result in me disrupting their current lives. Sure, it’d be a healing journey for me but what about its impact on their lives?

I should’ve asked for forgiveness years back that time has come and gone. At this point, I can only pray that we have a chance meeting somewhere or sometime in the future, when everything has cooled don to a point where we can look back at the past and laugh.

Hopefully, the people they have in their lives by then will be able to laugh as well and acknowledge that time does heal all wounds.

Eventually.

How Not to be Me.

One of the great things about being older is that it gives you a little more authority based on age. An expertise in certain subject matters that younger people have no choice but to listen to.

So, here’s my advice as an old man to the younger generation about not being me and making the most out of every interaction they come across.

Start Warmly, Like a Diesel Engine

Conversations, relationships, and other interactions begin with a warm start. Like a diesel engine turning over in the morning. You have to let it gradually warm up to enjoy its full efficiency.

Start with greeting people with genuine warmth in your voice and expressions. Give them your full attention from the start and make appropriate eye contact and smile naturally. People will know if you’re being fake.  

Ask for their name and use it in your conversation. Don’t overuse it though. Just pepper it in after every few hundred words or so.

Soon, your interaction will purr like the sound of a diesel engine ready to hit the road. And where you take it is entirely up to how the interaction goes.

Use Active Listening

If there’s one takeaway from being a part of the call center industry for over a decade, I’d say it’s active listening. Listen with your entire body. Nod. Give brief acknowledgements. Find opportunities to express your appreciation or give sincere compliments.

Stay fully present rather than thinking about what you’ll say next.

It is by actively listening that you’ll uncover opportunities as they are presented to you by the one talking.

The most successful people prefer to listen more rather than talk.

Be Graceful

Conversations, interactions, and relationships have a way of turning bad if mishandled. Sometimes, because we ignore opportunities to mend it, these become too far gone into an irredeemable area.

So, if tensions arise, stay calm and look for common ground. Sometimes, you may be talking about the same thing but are just not agreeing on small things like how it’s said or how the facts are delivered.

Grace requires giving people the benefit of the doubt.

And if you realize that you made a mistake, own up to it. Be responsible for your actions and then focus on solutions rather than blaming who or what caused the argument in the first place.

I always believe that no good can come from unwarranted arguments.

Cooperation always trumps competition.

End on a High Note

Your interactions with people always take precious time. Be sure to thank them for their time or help or for the conversation.

If there were agreements made, do a short recap. Make sure all parties agree before parting.

Like a diesel engine, don’t just shut it off after you reach your destination. Give it time to taper down. Give it time before you shut it off.

Wave goodbye, wish them well, and turn around.

Other Things You Can Do

Look for small ways to be helpful.

Be respectful of their time and perspective.

Be real.

And remember that everyone is dealing with their own unique personal challenges.

If You Can Mend Burnt Bridges, Do It!

Well, that’s about it for now.

Gotta get some shuteye before picking the kid up from school.

I suggest that if you can mend burnt bridges, you go ahead and do it.

It’s going to be hard at first but totally worth it in the end.

Swallow your pride and apologize. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong. What matters is how to solve the situation rather than putting blame on who started the mess.

(I have got to apply this more in my life…. Oh well, like I said, I am a work in progress)

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